The Moment of Truth — January 9, 1999

Saddam Told the Truth

Hi, welcome to the moment of truth, the one moment in the broadcast week when the truth will out – the only moment, that is, besides all last year when Saddam Hussein was saying that Richard Butler and UNSCOM were spying for the US military. Who woulda thunk that Saddam Hussein was telling the truth all along – Saddam Hussein, the New World Order’s Hitler. Saddam Hussein was telling the truth while Richard Butler, UNSCOM, the National Security Administration, the State Department, the Pentagon, Peter Jennings, Tom Brokaw, and Dan Rather were all lying. Because Richard Butler and UNSCOM were in fact spying for the National Security Administration. Satan himself was telling the truth, and all the good guys in the nice tidy suits, the noble statesmen and the nation’s noble truthtellers were busy fabricating or repeating lies.

How can that be?

Here’s how! Satan has split himself up into little miniature versions of himself. But luckily they’re easy to recognize. Here’s the rule of thumb: Anyone you see on the network news more than three nights in a row is a little piece of Satan. That’s how you know! Now you don’t have to wonder who to despise, revile, blame, and wish misery upon: all you have to do is have a good eye for faces or a good memory for names and be able to count to three.

Y’know, sometimes I sit around and just lollygag, just sit and daydream about slaughtering millions and millions of people. It happened in 1980 when Reagan was first elected. I thought, well, I’ll just go out into the street and mow everybody down with machinegun fire, and then I’ll kill myself. But I never did it.

Then people started calling Reagan the Great Communicator and talked about how great he was at communicating – whereas, when I would watch him on TV I was appalled not merely at the stupidity and falseness of the things he said, but also at how truly bad an actor he was. And I thought to myself, well, I’ll get me some bombs and nuke all the stupid white goyim and whoever else voted for the man of manure. But I never did it.

Then Reagan beat Walter Mondale and was elected again and I thought, well, the people really didn’t have much of a choice, so I’ll just put a bunch of laxatives in the water supply – but I never did it.

Then Bush beat Dukakis and I thought, well, whatever. Then Clinton beat Bush and I imagined Bush being really pissed off that he was a one-termer, I imagined that it really ate at him, that he was such a cruddy president and an even worse liar and actor than Reagan, he was such a damn loser that even with him being former head of the CIA and support in the nation for imbecilic fascist policies at an all-time high he STILL couldn’t win a second term. That’s how much he sucked, and, I imagined, he knew it, and that was the kind of negative thinking he would replay over and over in his mind, Bush would and still does, I imagine, spend many a sleepless night thinking round and round, "I suck, I couldn’t get elected to a second term, I suck, I couldn’t cut the mustard with the American people, they figured out that I suck – I always knew I sucked, and now I know for sure because I was just a one-termer, just like stinky old Jimmy Carter." And I even toyed with the idea of calling him up in the middle of the night and going, "Loser! You LOSER! Ha ha ha, you LOSE, LOSER!"

But I never did.

I never kidnapped the mayor. I never became a pirate of the inland waterways, pillaging riverboat casinos. I didn’t stick an electric rotating wire brush in Clinton’s rectum. I didn’t stick a brass spittoon on Ken Starr’s head and bang it around with a baseball bat. I didn’t kick Newt Gingrich in the balls. I didn’t encase Robin Williams inside a solid block of peanut brittle and drop him off the NBC Tower.

No. I have maintained my composure. Throughout the indignities that I have had to endure at the hands of Extreme Capitalism, I have been a model of restraint. And you know why? Because I am good. I am a nice boy. Good boy Jeffy, that’s what they call me. And I have never been on the network news three nights in a row.

So, just because Saddam Hussein has suddenly emerged as this truth-teller, just because he’s been revealed as an honest man, the kind Diogenes was looking for with his lantern in the light of day, just because Saddam told the truth as opposed to what the media and the government in this country reported, doesn’t mean you can give up listening to the Moment of Truth with mejeffdorchen and start tuning in to the networks to see what other truth Saddam Hussein might be passing on through his envoy Tarik Aziz. No. Because in spite of the fact that he told the truth, he’s still one of the little satans. And I’m not. I have restraint. I might fantasize at times about being bad, but I’m just lollygagging and having a little mental fun.

However, my gentle good nature can only last so long. You have one more year to shape up.

Until next time, this has been mejeffdorchen with the Moment of Truth.