The Moment of Truth — January 3, 2004

Rightwing Think Tanks and Pundits Gang Up Against Bush

Welcome to the Moment of Truth: the sweet taste of the very first apricot you ate which, to your great disappointment, no subsequent apricot has come close to providing.

Disclaimer: I cannot prove that the statements quoted in this article were actually made by the people or organizations to whom I’ve attributed them. However, I did have a psychic vision in which they were. So, according to my admittedly unverifiable psychic ability, the following statements were made in private, unofficially, by those indicated below, during a secret meeting in some sort of deep pit or cairn in which at the same time, because of a scheduling error, some Italian scientists were trying to detect neutrinos.

To get the cabal rolling, The Heritage Foundation reported that, “George W. Bush’s policies are draining resources from the majority of Americans, in the form of both privately earned and publicly available funds, jobs, and environmental and infrastructural safety. These resources are then distributed as financial gifts to cronies and others among the wealthiest citizens and corporations. Another four years of the Bush administration would be a disaster for the United States. Also, we ourselves are disbanding because we suck.”

Ann Coulter declared, “Bush and Cheney are the worst traitors this country has ever been sold out by. They are pillaging the nation. They are raping the nation. And I just realized how repulsive I find Ronald Reagan. I can’t believe I used to think he was cute.”

According to Sean Hannity, “What doctors thought was a lesion on President Bush’s brain turns out to be a pickled cocktail onion. God knows how it got there. But more importantly, the 2000 election was a stain on the Constitution.”

Ann Coulter agreed. “George W. Bush was not legitimately elected in 2000. Doesn’t the law mean anything to the Supreme Court? Are they psychotic? How do they sleep at night? Do they all sleep in the same room in a nine-tiered bunk bed? Because that’s what I picture.”

The Business Round Table, reversing its previous support of Bush’s education initiative, stated, “No Child Left Behind is a cynical, Orwellian project to destroy public education in the United States. To continue it would be to make a great leap backwards to a very bad neighborhood in Europe in the year 832. We are each gouging out one of our eyes as repentance for supporting it in the first place.”

Bill O’Reilly demanded that articles of impeachment immediately be drawn up against President Bush. “And the rest of his administration should be lined up and shot,” he added. When asked why, he said, “That’s obvious. Do you live in a cave?”

The American Enterprise Institute released a study on itself. It finds that, “The American Enterprise Institute has contributed to the loss of over three million American jobs. It has also urged policies that compromise health, safety, and general well-being both in the United States and worldwide.” The report advocates a policy of “changing the name of the American Enterprise Institute to the American Economic Collapse Institution for the Criminally Insane.”

Ralph Reed, speaking through his mouth, revealed, “Now that I myself have been pregnant, I realize that a person’s uterus is much like one’s house. Both the government and the fetus can be viewed as trespassers, and it is a woman’s right to protect herself against trespassers, even if it means killing them. I mean, I’ve shot at people on my property, revenuers and such. Next time a fetus comes into my body and starts shoplifting nutrients, I’m going to kill that sucker. Also, I realize that all this time I thought I was talking to Jesus it was really Satan in the form of a cocktail onion in my brain.”

Grover Norquist of Americans for Tax Reform drew on his long years of experience as Fidel Castro’s financial advisor, summing up his tax philosophy in the words of Karl Marx: “From each according to his abilities to each according to his needs. What could be more fair than that?”

Rush Limbaugh, out on work furlough, weighed in with his concern for the American civic spirit: “Another four years of Bush and Cheney and there won’t be any more community in America. There won’t be buildings for it to meet in, schools for it to learn in, cultural institutions for it to express itself in. They will all have been starved out of existence by Bush, Cheney and company. Speaking of starving, you aren’t going to finish that crow sandwich, are you?”

Ann Coulter replied, “No, Rush. Help yourself. And wash it down with a nice, cold glass of drugs.”

George Will distributed an article he wrote in which he stated, “Bush’s domestic policies amount to economic sanctions against the states. I suppose that, after gutting their police forces and starving their children, he’ll accuse them of having weapons of mass destruction and invade them. Then he’ll give what’s left to his cronies. Except the Grand Canyon, which he will lease as a disposal basin for toxic waste.”

The Cato Institute’s recent report is bound to be a blow to the Bush administration’s plans to punish France for obstructing the invasion of Iraq. “The Bush plan to decapitate the Statue of Liberty and put its head in Jacques Chirac’s bed is an affront to every human being with any sense whatsoever, even those with only the sense of touch.” The Cato Institute is in the process of looking for a new headquarters, as the old one was recently found to be made entirely of asbestos, phosphate detergents, and chlorofluorocarbons glued together with DDT and sealed with radioactive shellac. However, since P. J. O’Rourke will have an office in the new building, there will still be the problem of too many parts per million of vermin feces.

As a last bit of business, the American Spectator announced that it has completely revised its mission statement. Its name will reflect this new editorial direction. It will now be called The American Potato Inspector.

The meeting came to a close. The Italian scientists took all the neutrinos they had gathered that day and made a hearty stew, which they shared with the corporate totalitarians whose discussion they had observed with much amusement.

This has been the Moment of Truth. Happy New Year.