The Moment of Truth — May 13, 2006

Protocols of the Elders of Pride Day

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The Elders of Pride Day gathered at midnight in the cemetery to set the Homosexual Agenda. There were some scheming Jews already there at the time, the Elders of Zion, having their centennial midnight scheming and gin rummy tournament, but the Elders of Pride Day had actually signed up to scheme in the cemetery that night, so the Elders of Zion were sent packing, except three who happened also to be Elders of Pride Day—they sat on both boards.

The gathering began with an invocation: “We would meet here at midnight every century, if only homosexuality hadn’t just been invented in the Nineteen-seventies, except for that brief moment it showed up to be abominated in Leviticus, and then those years it spent causing the collapse of the Roman Empire. And, if we were in the habit of gathering here every century at precisely midnight, according to the position of the stars in relation to the ancient standing stones of Gayhenge, which unfortunately doesn’t exist, we would meet for the purpose of deciding the Homosexual Agenda for the next hundred years. But, seeing how homosexuality suddenly burst onto a world stage which until that time had been pure, white, Christian and straight, we therefore inaugurate this, the first centennial gathering of the Elders of Pride Day.” Then they all chuckled, real spooky and devious-like, especially the three who were also on the board of the Elders of Zion, and of course the Pope and his wife, Tom Cruise.

“Were any lesbians there?”

But of course, my child. How could they set the Homosexual Agenda without lesbians? “Homosexual” means “of or pertaining to the same sex,” you know.

“Oh, I thought it meant ‘man sex.’ Like Homo sapiens. Or—does Homo sapiens mean ‘same sapiens?’”

No, my child. They’re two completely different homos. “Different? But you said homo means same.” Who are you, Lou Costello now? Can someone bring me another kid over here? One that’s not such a smart ass? No, how about one without a big green thing hanging out of its nose? Yuch. Thank you.

After the invocation, the Elders took stock of how the Homosexual Agenda was advancing so far. Although this was their first official gathering, the initial Agenda had been set forth in a telegram sent by Amelia Earhart from her secret island hideout in the sexy South Pacific. Earhart had been acting as the Agenda’s clandestine leader since before homosexuality was discovered by television—although back in those days it was called Sedition. She cleverly hid her island in plain sight, as they say, by populating it with seven castaways, among whose activities she encouraged cryptic displays that would evince to her followers her controlling hand behind the scenes. For example, every time Gilligan got into the upper hammock, his butt sagging down into the personal space of the Skipper below, an act of symbolic sodomy took place.

“Gross!” Did I ask for your editorial commentary? Why am I telling this to a kid, anyway? Can’t you get me a cute baby panda or something? No? How about a pitcher of margaritas? Excellent, thank you.

So Amelia Earhart, accompanied by her long-time companion Babe Didrikson Zaharias, commenced leading the gathering of Elders in taking stock of the Agenda’s progress. “Has everyone been having same sex?” she asked. In unison they all answered: “OH, yes!” Then each in turn reported on how his or her private sexual activity was helping move the Agenda along.

As it happens, homosexuals must have constant sex with each other in order to keep their Agenda going, because unlike Jews, who remain Jews even when they’re not committing religious or financial Judaism, or black people, who remain black even when they’re not “jivin’,” the second a homosexual stops being sexual with the same sex, he or she becomes just a person. With less rights than a normal person, of course, and possessing a partially self-generated and partially socially imposed gay identity, to varying degrees in each individual case. But a gay man brushing his teeth in Detroit isn’t going to cause a happily married couple in Maryland or Nebraska or Alabama to spontaneously divorce. He needs to “do it” with another man. That’s the only kind of elbow grease that can grease the wheels of the destruction of the American family. It’s not really elbow grease at all, then, but a somewhat different kind of joint grease.

You can read about all this in Supreme Court Judge Antonin Scalia’s book, “The International Homo, the world’s biggest problem since the Jew.” In it he explodes the myth that Pearl Harbor was caused by Liberace picking his nose; that we would have won the Vietnam War if Jim Nabors hadn’t chosen flocked wallpaper for his butler’s pantry; that Langston Hughes’ getting stung by a bee botched the Bay of Pigs invasion; and that Apollo 13 didn’t make it to the moon because J. Edgar Hoover ordered his egg foo yung with extra monosodium glutamate.

Scalia does blame his own weight problem on the resemblance between kd lang and the young Roy Orbison. But that’s not in the book. What is in there is Scalia’s astounding report on the incredible correlation between gay sex and every major problem our great nation faces. Some of the problems we can blame on homosexual sex are the weakening dollar, the incompetence of the Bush Administration in every field of endeavor, the fact that the USA ties with Slovakia in infant mortality, the growing gap between rich and poor, the decline of the small farmer, the rise in childhood-onset diabetes, the Republicans stacking the courts with insane homophobic fascists, and of course global warming. Do you know how much greenhouse gas is produced when gay people have sex? A certain amount. Not as much as when Hoover ate egg foo yung, though.

One thing the book doesn’t answer is, when Scalia went duck hunting with Cheney, how come Cheney didn’t shoot HIM in the face? Scalia looks a lot more like a duck than that other guy looked like a grouse. In fact, he looks more like a game bird than any jurist I know of. Comparing an Italian Judge to a guinea fowl would be in poor taste, of course, and I will not entertain such a comparison here. But I thought I’d mention it, because he does look like one. Not as much as kd lang looks like a young Roy Orbison, though.

In summation: the Homosexual Agenda would be nowhere without homosexuality, and homosexuality would be nowhere without sexuality, and sexuality wouldn’t be anything without sex. How did the midnight cabal in the cemetery conclude? I’ll tell you how, my little pitcher of margaritas: the Elders decided that homosexuals would continue having sex with each other. I know, they’re pretty cunning, those Elders. Who else would have come up with such a devious, twisted plot?

But the prospect of homosexuals having homosexual sex far into the foreseeable future raises a more frightening question. That question is this: How will our nation survive?

This has been the Moment of Truth. Good day!