The Moment of Truth — December 16, 2000

Carter Would Crap

Hi I’m mejeffdorchen and welcome to the Moment of Truth, the single point of pure and total integrity in the entire spacetime continuum.

What can be said about the presidential election that hasn’t already been said? To answer that question, we will have to look to me: jeff dorchen. And the answer is, we have not yet heard the Truth. The Truth about what I call Election Fiasco 2000.

Now, the great Taoist sage Lao Tse wisely said: “great wisdom sounds stupid.” The controversial art critic Clement Greenberg, or someone else maybe, said, “all truly great art looks ugly at first.” And along the lines of these doofuses, I, mejeffdorchen, say unto you: In a media universe constructed entirely of lies, prevarication, and obfuscation, against such a background of media falsehood, the Truth about what I call Election Fiasco 2000 is bound to sound perverse. And that is my, mejeffdorchen’s, sole defense for the seeming perversity of the opinions that follow.

Let me address Fiasco 2000 point by point:

First of all, the discrepancy. A very wise drunk at the Hideout bar said: if a local tribunal in an African nation had ordered a recount of the votes in a close election, and the brother of one of the candidates was governor of that province, and the father of that candidate was a former president and former head of the secret police of that nation and a party apparatchik for that candidate was attorney general of that province and declared that candidate the winner before that recount had been completed, and the national court of that nation had stalled the recount and then ruled that there hadn’t been enough time to do the recount - Jimmy Carter would’ve crapped his drawers.

Remember that euphemistic phrase: Jimmy Carter would’ve crapped his drawers.

Second: Ralph Nader stole votes from Al Gore. A very wise Chicago playwright named Mickle once said something like, “In what universe did votes cast for Ralph Nader somehow belong to Al Gore? What entitled Al Gore to those votes?” A devil’s advocate might say, “Well, clearly most Nader voters would prefer Al Gore to W Bush, and it was simply out of some perverse and unwholsome leftist purism that they voted for Nader instead of Gore.” The truth, however perverse it may sound, is that the campaigns of both Al Gore and W Bush conspired to steal votes that legitimately belonged to the Green Party’s candidate Nader and his cryptonazi counterpart Pat Buchanon.

The perverse truth is that the so-called “closeness” of the election was entirely constructed by the mainstream capitalist-controlled media. And under the rubrick “capitalist controlled” I include that bastion of butt-sniffing, National Public Radio. Here I must digress briefly and call attention to the statement of a spokesperson of the Chicagoland area’s NPR affiliate, WBEZ. During the most recent fundraiser, this sickening shmuck spilled the beans about how what passes for public broadcasting in this misguided country targets its programming. He said, and I quote almost exactly, presque verbatum ac literatum, when he was asking for listeners to call and pledge: “This is your public radio station. You’re young, you’re educated, you’re affluent.” OH! Affluent am I? Well, that’s the most eloquent explanation for why I don’t give money to WBEZ that I’ve ever heard.

So, for example, Nation Public Radio, in presenting the story of Civic Fiasco “000 to its rich young educated listeners, would often present the opinions of two highly suspect sources as some kind of expert knowledge. One of these sources was the politcal science and law departments of Pepperdine University. Now this is the same university that, during the independent counsel’s rightwing-fueled investigation of President Clinton, offered Kenneth Starr, the title character in that investigation, the job of university president. So the idea that NPR is consulting this obviously fascistic institution and offering its propaganda as some kind of objective expert opinion on anything should put anyone with at least one brain cell, which clearly doesn’t include NPR’s target audience, on the alert for manufactured consent.

And let us not forget the spawn of NPR that has infected network television news, that homunculus of capitalist pedagogy Cokie Roberts. Spawned by the liberal, or Al Gore constituent, public broadcasting morrass, she now represents the conservative, or W Bush constituency, as psuedo-independent commissar of spin interpretation. It is part of Cokie Roberts’ self-avowed mission to distill the gestalt of national politics down to easily-digestible mythological fables and caricatures.

And yet she represents only a single cog in the machine of distortion engineered to nudge the presidential race towards a false closeness in order to terrorize the weak-willed away from voting for third-party candidates. W Bush had not a Twinky’s chance in Alan Greenspan’s ass of winning the election until Roberts and her fellow millionaire capitalist media commissars began promulgating the trope of Bush as the “concensus builder” and Gore as the “releaser of condescending sighs.” As that manufactured mythic text began to solidify into some sort of perceived national consensus, it only took this legion of millionaire professional liars a flick of the wrist to spin their numbers into a neck-and-neck election.

The Truth is that the closeness of the polls was always a construct. It was never a matter of objective fact. It was a construction of the capitalist media machine and its so-called liberal annex, public broadcasting. Its purpose was not to inform but to delegitimize any candidates but those of the two major parties of corporate patronage. And the easily-duped Gore supporters bought into it so completely that even the most Christian of them felt entirely justified in excoriating Nader voters as “nihilists” and “maoists” who were responsible for delivering this gentle nation with its women who need abortions and its poor people severed by Bill Clinton from the already moth-eaten social safety net and its delicate national park system into the hands of W Bush.

The neck-and-neck construct became the Frankenstein known as Fiasco “000. The liberals who ached to lick the bone of a President Gore have no one to blame but themselves and their National Public Radio and its legitimization of media and politics run by and for the wealthy.

So, getting back to Jimmy Carter’s undies full of poop: who do we really have to blame for having to eat that poop for the next four years? The answer to that question and less go without saying during this, mejeffdorchen’s Moment of Truth.