The Moment of Truth — September 12, 1998

Mancow

Hello, I’m mejeffdorchen, and this is the Moment of Truth. The one moment in radio when the truth can be told without the invisible hand of the marketplace crushing its windpipe.

I heard something really beautiful on the Mancow show. I hate listening to Mancow, but I do it periodically for you, the listener, so you yourselves don’t have to endure his unbelievably boring festival of unfunny fascism only to discover that you’ve been brainwashed into loving Ross Perot and Hootie and the Blowfish.

So I was sacrificing a small part of my soul the other morning, and I heard this beautiful thing come out of Mancow’s pseudochristian cryptonazi mouth: he said that the National Education Association, the teacher’s union, was a communist organization. Already a sack of Pamplona manure. But then he goes on: what is his proof? His proof that the National Education Association is a communist organization is that they support Bill Clinton.

This was quite fascinating to me, considering that I know a few communists and not a single one supports Bill Clinton, the Democratic Party, the US government or the electoral system. There aren’t really that many communists left anyway, so it’s hard to believe that there are enough to constitute a national union of underpaid, underappreciated educators who try to teach children, children who are undernourished because Ross Perot is eating all their food – and Mancow gets paid to go on the air and de-educate anyone unfortunate enough to tune in. So I thought maybe he meant socialists or anarchists. But none of them support Clinton, the Democrats, the government or electoral politics as it is falsely practiced in the US today either. So who are these Democratic Communists morning talk radio’s least funny cross between a frat boy and Rush Limbaugh was talking about?

Well, they don’t exist. For Mancow to call either of the major teacher’s unions a communist organization is simply a lie. He is a liar. In fact, I think his statement was not only stupid and false, but actionably slanderous, and I wouldn’t be surprised if any teachers listening got the union to file suit against him – and maybe even start action to revoke Q101’s corporate charter. Q101 has, after all, hired Rush Limbaugh or some equally rightwing psychotic liar, dressed him up as a frat boy, and tried to pass him off as cutting edge.

In much the same way they’ve taken Doctor Laura, the walking ulcer, psychological terrorist, NOT an MD by the way – a browbeating family-values fascist who has said that homosexuality is a mental disorder – Q101 has taken Dr Laura, dressed her up as an MD with bland aryan looks, stuck him/her next to equally homophobic pseudocomedian Adam Carolla, and allowed him/her to dispense family values fascist claptrap on "Loveline".

Nothing is as it seems, eh? Mancow claims to be anticorporate. Yet he is an avowed Libertarian – he insists he’s not republican or democrat – no, he’s libertarian. Anticorporate? Libertarianism is the most procorporate stance in the corporately approved mainstream political spectrum. He hates unions, one of the few ways workers have to curtail the totalitarian power of the corporations. He mocks immigrants and minorities, he’s anti-affirmative action and civil rights for non-heterosexuals. Wait a minute! He IS Republican! No, wait – Hitler hated unions, gays, minorities and immigrants – and he was antiabortion, too! Republicans, Democrats, Nazis, Libertarians – all these psychotic radicals loose on the airwaves, and not a single anticorporate voice to be found.

Is it a coincidence? Is it a coincidence that corporations own the media and no single voice critical of them can be found anywhere on any of their stations, channels, affiliates? How can that be, when all the teachers in the country are communists? You would think that there would be at least one anticorporate voice to represent them, since there are all these communists and they control education in this country. I mean, since the President of the United States is such a pinkblooded communist, you’d think he would’ve passed a law that at least one anticorporate voice would be on somewhere in the time slots inhabited by procorporate libertarians Howard Stern and Mancow Heil Hitler Muller.

Hey, corporate America – you want shock? You want a shock jock? Listen to my routine:

Hey, you! HEY, John Q Fascist Sixpack American Public: When are you gonna get off your deluded stinky Big Mac cancer-poisoned buttocks, you moron, and figure out that the corporations are setting you up? That when some developing countries finally get it together to nuke the US for being the hired cops of the multinational corporate rape of their nations, cultures, and very lives – or when enough poor white men and women are demagogued into neonazism by fake Christian Libertarians who tell them their problems come not from having been used by the rich and cast aside like garbage, but from commie unions, and then one of these militias gets it together to nuke a major metropolitan center – when that happens, when our nation has been ruined, milked for all it has, and the corporations just pick up and go to a new frontier without so much as a thank you suckers, well, HEY, John Q Fascist Sixpack American Public: don’t come cryin’ to me. I warned you that Rush Limbaugh and Mancow and Dr Laura were, as Hitler was, just a father substitute for people too stupid and bovine to think for themselves. Hey, maybe if we’re lucky, when the corporations have no more use for us Americans, maybe they’ll let us live in concentration camps and slums instead of just massacring us like they did in Chile, El Salvador, Nicaragua, Guatemala, Thailand, Burma, East Timor, Vietnam. You think you’re too white? You think you’re too superior? You think there’s something so special about Anglo-Saxon Americans that you can’t be treated like dirt just like the rest of the world? If you ain’t rich, your head ain’t worth the fat it’s made of. So just keep on keep on believing the corporate spokespeople, John Q Fascist Sixpack American Public. Me and the other vultures and hyenas’ll be laughing when we pick the rotting flesh off your skull.

How’s that, corporate America? Do you have the testicles to hire a real shock jock? Come on, don’t you know that there’s a huge untapped market of commies out there waiting for a morning drive-time hero?

Go to hell. Until then, this has been me, Jeff Dorchen, and the moment of truth.