The Moment of Truth — May 21, 2004

How Much Jew Can a Jew Watch Watch

Welcome to the Moment of Truth, Beethoven’s Concerto in B for lobster-shaped plastic harmonica.

The W Bush presidency will stand as an object lesson that you really want someone more stable and trustworthy than God advising the President of the USA. I’m glad we got that sorted out this early in the millennium. Now we don’t need to go THERE anymore. Right?

So I was recently on a visit to an entertaining website called Jew Watch. Whoever’s in charge of the site has set himself the Herculean task of watching all the Jews in the world. He’s watching me give him the finger right now. It’s a gargantuan undertaking, keeping an eye on every Jew, keeping track of all their little Jew activities. It’s such a huge job that one person can’t possibly do it all by himself. And he doesn’t. I mean, he does it, but he does the kind of crappy job of it you’d expect.

Last week alone, for example, he misquoted me in three phone conversation transcripts. Wednesday, he undercounted my bowel movements, and Thursday he has me down as having watched Jeopardy. I usually do, but I didn’t last Thursday, and he just ASSUMED I did. He didn’t bother to WATCH me to make sure. Maybe I’m not JEW enough for him.

And apparently the four hours I spent manipulating Asian currency values last Monday weren’t conniving and grasping enough to make it onto his radar. And the Christian baby’s blood I drank with my stuffed cabbage that night wasn’t red enough for him to get the Rh factor right. And the incantation I intoned to bring that stone giant to life wasn’t sinister and mystical enough. I know I’m not Karl Marx, but come on, I do my part. Updating the email list for the Zionist Occupation Government is an important job, so the Elders tell me. Compared to that, counting bowel movements doesn’t seem that difficult. But I guess there are some things even Nazis aren’t good at. I mean, he had a fifty-fifty chance with the Rh factor, it’s either positive or negative. He got the blood type right. I don’t understand. Your old school fascists were never this slipshod. Even that fat bastard Mussolini.

If I could just digress for a moment. I know the Ancient Greeks spoke Ancient Greek. But what did the Trojans speak? Trojan? And did bilingual taverns in Greece have a sign in the window that said, “Trojan spoken here?” Because that’s kinda saucy, y’know?

Back to Jew Watch. It’s no surprise that the Jew Watch guy is just as sloppy in his historical research as he is recording other people’s caloric intake and outflow. A glaring example: he claims that the Kibbutzim in Israel represent the only example in history of a group of people voluntarily adopting socialism. You only need to think about that for one second to see what an absurd claim it is.

Um, Jew Watch guy? I believe I remember a couple of fellows named Lenin and Trotsky who voluntarily adopted socialism. I don’t remember anyone holding a gun to their heads. Anyone wanna back me up here?

More obscurely and therefore commensurately less well known, the Indian state of Kerala is the only democratic state to have a freely elected Communist government. And the Communists have certainly left their scars upon the ravaged countryside. Kerala today suffers from the highest literacy rate and standard of living in India. But this should not come as a surprise to anyone who’s read Lenin or Trotsky, two highly literate men. They also ended up with a pretty high standard of living. Whether their literacy and high living resulted from their having voluntarily adopted socialism is difficult to say. But Trotsky got to have sex with Buster Keaton. Or so Jew Watch would have us believe.

Additionally, a higher percentage of the Keralan population votes than does that of any other state in India. They did it again in this election, which finally got the Republicans, I mean the BJP, out of power. Now, here’s something as puzzling as the Trojan question: In Gujarat, they speak Gujarati. In Tamil Nadu they speak Tamil. But in Kerala, they speak not Keralan, but Malayalam. And in Karnataka they speak not Karnatakan, but Kanada. And as if that weren’t odd enough, in Canada, they speak English and French, NOT Canadian!

It just goes to show how truly twisted and interwoven are the ostensibly separate cultures of our planet. It seems to me, Mr. Jew Watch, that those Keralans and Canadians could do with some watching themselves. And for that matter, just exactly how did the Nazis end up taking India’s jolly swastika and turning into the modern equivalent of the skull and crossed bones? Which, ironically, used to be called the Jolly Roger. But rare is the parent who shows her child a bottle of poison and says, “Do not drink this. See? It has the Jolly Roger on it.”

When I was little and first heard the word “swastika,” I thought it was “swa sticker.” I thought it was a sticker the Nazis used to put on everything. Their swa sticker, the seal of Nazi approval.

And so we come full circle. If a swastika is a seal of approval, I’m afraid I will not be giving the Jew Watch website my swastika any time soon. And, as always, I’ll be giving the W Bush administration the finger. And the Jolly Roger.

This has been the Moment of Truth. Good day!