The Moment of Truth — July 19, 2003

Celebrity News

Hello, and welcome to the Moment of Truth: that thing where even the bad part of the thing is still way better than the best part of most other things.

This week, we take a break from the serio-comic tragedy that is the human condition and consider instead some Celebrity News.

Gerry Adams and Jerry Seinfeld have teamed up to form an organization called Sinn Feinfeld. The Hadassah ladies and the Chicago Policeman’s Benevolent Society have welcomed the two G/Jerrys to sell any old tchachkes they want to get rid of during their annual pastrami and cabbage cook-off. Word is Sinn Feinfeld will soon be opening a halfway house for drunk tightwads.

A controversy has arisen regarding either VH1’s or MTV’s upcoming broadcast of “The Most Shocking Moments in Rock History.” One of the two networks that used to show music videos has been employing an image of Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee to promote the special, which is billed as an anthology of rock history’s most shocking moments, though the title is ambiguous. The controversy arose when many astute viewers wondered what was so shocking about a blond with giant breasts and a rock star with a large penis having sex. “Of course a woman with a bod like Pam Anderson and a guy with a rhino shlong like Tommy Lee are gonna do it,” said one fat ugly guy who asked to remain nameless. “What would be shocking would be to show a fat ugly guy having sex with Pamela Anderson.” A fat ugly chick chimed in, “Or a fat ugly chick having sex with Tommy Lee.” A third, nondescript person piped up: “Or a fat ugly chick having sex with a fat ugly guy! In a kayak! With a nondescript person watching.” These viewer opinions haven’t gone unheeded, and have been the springboard for an upcoming special on Animal Planet called “The Most Shocking Moments in the History of Copulation.” Louie Anderson and Anna Nicole Smith will co-star, or co-host, or maybe they’ll just watch it after screwing, or after eating. The truth is, Anna Nicole has male AND female sex organs — in fact, there’s a video out now of anorexic fascist Ann Coulter and web guy Matt Drudge having sex somewhere INSIDE Anna Nicole. Near the bottom of Anna Nicole Smith, where sunlight never penetrates, are hydrothermal vents around which a species of arthropod has been discovered with upwards of six genders. These arthropods can have sex with themselves. Just like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Liz Phair has become a semi-permanent fixture on the New York Times website. Most people are probably wondering who Liz Phair is. Liz Phair is best known for playing the irrepressible Epstein on the seventies sitcom “Welcome Back Kotter.” Many other people might be wondering what she means by “whitechocolatespaceegg.” A close reading would indicate that she means, “The worst part of making a comeback is having to blow the online editor of the New York Times.” Even worse, to our thinking, she’s slated to play anorexic fascist Ann Coulter on a new biopic set to air this fall on the Mangled American Psyche Channel.

1000 hours of community service? That’s the rumored plea bargain Kobe Bryant wangled to weasel out of his rape charge. 1000 hours is how long it will take for Bryant to allow Mike Tyson to tattoo the Qur’an on him. If Tyson finishes early, Bryant will make up the extra hours volunteering at a community theater doing Spoon River Anthology. If Tyson doesn’t finish in the allotted time, the two have agreed to rape each other for charity.

Across the pond, Dr. David Kelly supposedly killed himself yesterday on the lawn near his home in Oxfordshire, England. Dr. Kelly was a senior advisor on weapons of mass destruction to the British Ministry of Defense. He had come out as antagonistic to the way the Blair Government had manipulated inspection reports regarding Iraqi arms in order to push the invasion. He was known to have had differences with others in the Ministry and in British intelligence. He spoke before a parliamentary foreign affairs committee on Tuesday, where he was grilled pretty harshly for the nebbishy scientist that he is. Dr. Kelly found himself at the center of a controversy involving a BBC report that Iraqi weapons capabilities had been exaggerated by the Ministry of Defense. Dr. Kelly admitted to having spoken with the journalist who filed the story. Prime Minister Blair’s heavy-handed director of communications and security, Alastair Campbell, has been lashing out at the BBC with the kind of anti-media rhetoric we’re all so sick of here in the US unctuously oozing from the likes of Donald Rumsfeld. Now, with Kelly’s death, Campbell is basically accusing the BBC of murder. Interesting. A government that lies in order to garner public support for a big organized slaughter accuses the news organization that reports its lies of murder. Ain’t that all too common and tawdry? Prime Minister Blair sent out his condolences to the family of the dead scientist. Blair was on a plane from the US to Tokyo, far far away from the scene of the crime. At first no one could figure out why Blair, already suffering in British public opinion, should invite more criticism by coming to the US and speaking before Congress. Amazing that his illogical absence should coincide with the death of such a pivotal witness in the controversy that’s been causing him so much trouble. But let’s not be conspiracy nuts. Let’s quote the acting superintendent of the Thames Valley police, who calls the case of Dr. Kelly an “unexplained death.” Or an unidentified and unreliable source very close to me who says, “I bet they whacked him out of pure rage.” Oh my god, did I just say that out loud?

[For another view on conveniently-timed suicides, please refer to my article in the Moment of Truth Archives from 1-26-02, For The Man Who Has Everything, Such A Deal.

A final note: The guy who plays the dad on one of those sitcoms, I think it’s That Seventies Show? I think I saw him at Gelson’s buying a pint of Haagen-Dazs. He was talking to a woman who looks just like that woman from that witch show. They were both wondering how Jennifer Lopez got her breasts to aim right at Ben Affleck’s adenoids on those billboards for their crappy movie. “Right at his adenoids,” said the guy. “It ain’t natural.”

This has been the Moment of Truth. Good day.