The Moment of Truth — June 14, 2003

Bill O’Reilly Outside the Zone

Hi, Welcome to the moment of truth, the Horton that hears the Who.

DON’T TURN ON YOUR TV! The whining conservatives are in there. They whine like crazy! There’s this whiner, Bill O’Reilly. He used to be on Inside Edition, which is like an even more dumbed-down version of People Magazine. Now he has this show, The O’Reilly Factor, where he whines. Here’s what he says: “Oh, come on.”

I was watching CSPAN one day. CSPAN is a network that finds out where something boring is happening and sends some kid out to set up a camera and leave it turned on. On this particular occasion the kid had left the CSPAN camera running during a booksellers’ convention. And there happened to be a panel discussion. Here’s the people that were on the panel: Al Franken, plugging his new book, “Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: a fair and balanced look at the right;” Molly Ivins, plugging her new book, whatever it is; and Bill O’Reilly, plugging his new book, “Why I Hate Poor People” or something.

And here’s what Bill O’Reilly had to say: “Oh, come on, Al.” He said it over and over. It meant absolutely nothing, but it certainly served to make me forget the name of Molly Ivins’ book and anything anyone else had to say. That Bill O’Reilly sure can whine. He is a whining little bitch.

“Oh, come on, Al. Oh, come on, Al. Oh, come on, Al.” He’s cruisin’ for a bruisin’, that Bill O’Reilly. So disgusted, he is, so indignant and fed up. He couldn’t even engage in discussion, he could only whine: Oh, come on, Al.

I don’t know why Al Franken didn’t just tell him to shut the hell up. You can tell by Al’s facial structure and stocky build that he has a huge, dangling sack of gonads, like a lion probably. So why did he wuss out? Why didn’t he say, “‘Oh, come on, Al, Oh, come on, Al,’ is that all you can say, Bill? Are you a parrot, Bill? Are you a broken record, Bill? Or do you somehow consider ‘Oh, come on, Al,’ an intelligent contribution to the discussion here? If you think that by acting disgusted you somehow disprove my points, you’re wrong. People aren’t as stupid as you seem to believe, Bill. They’re not going to accept your infantile theatrics in place of real content. My book is going to sell like hotcakes and keep W from winning a second term just like “Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot” kept Clinton in the White House in spite of the rightwing smear campaign and his own insatiable lust. And all your phony frustration isn’t going to stop that from happening, you whiny conservative baby.”

O’Reilly had this guy on his show, The O’Reilly Factor — I think this guy was Belgian, and he was trying to explain why the USA should support and participate in a world court that would try war criminals. The guy could barely get a word out without O’Reilly saying, “Oh, come on.” The Belgian kept pressing his point but could even then barely get it across because he was laughing at what he took to be O’Reilly’s comically overblown indignation.

And then O’Reilly made a point. He said he didn’t want the US to participate in any such international court because “it’ll be politicized.” “Politicized” is conservative code for “I don’t like it.” Or, “Oh, come on.” Really, there would be politics involved in an international court? It wouldn’t be like our courts here in the USA? They wouldn’t be fair and unbiased like in the O. J. trial and the Simi Valley cop acquittal and those Iranscam hearings where Oliver North got to paint his dick red white and blue and wave it around?

Geopolitics: political? Oh, come on, Bill. Without politics, geopolitics is just geo. And geo is Earth. That’s dirt, Bill. You want the rest of the world to just lie there like dirt while the US does whatever it damn well pleases? Oh, come on, Bill. How realistic is that? I know we’re supposed to believe the UN is now irrelevant. But not every country feels that way. And sometimes when other countries, no matter how insignificant, feel a certain way, they can make their feelings known even to a great superpower. Like, there was this insignificant country called Vietnam, maybe you’ve heard of it. So Bill, no one’s ever completely irrelevant, and since they know that as well as you do, we certainly can’t expect them to just lie there like dirt while the US walks all over them in your mama’s army boots.

Now if what you’re suggesting is that we actually COVER them with dirt, and let the worms actually turn them INTO dirt, well, that’s another story. In that case, you’re a Stalinist. Oops! I mean… oh, come on, Bill. You know what I mean.

But the big issue, Bill, is that you are in fact a liar. You nickname your show the No-spin Zone. Yet you have little or no criticism for the Bush Administration. In fact, you seem to take most of what they say at face value. Now if by doing so you mean to assert that this Bush Administration is somehow the first US Presidential Administration in history to just give out the raw facts, unadorned and unspun, well, I mean… come ON, Bill. If you were really anti-spin, you’d be all over Ari Fleischer like brown on Rice. You’d be picking apart Pentagon reports, not defending them. Cuz, come ON, Bill. A military that puts no spin on anything? That must be a beautiful world you live in, Bill. Does it rain soda pop there, Bill? Is every day St. Patrick’s Day? Is English the official language? Is everyone dead except good, upright, hardworking Christian Americans, Bill? Do you have nuts as big as Al Franken’s in that magical world of yours, Bill? Did Inside Edition win a Peabody in that paradise of yours?

Oh, come ON, Bill. Wake up and smell yourself.

Ya whinin’ beeeyotch.

This has been the moment of truth. Good day.