The Moment of Truth — April 12, 2003

An Interview With Steenly Crotch

Chuck:
Hi, Jeff. I understand you’ve brought another guest who’s rebutting one of your provocations.

Jeff:
Yes, I brought a well-known black conservative writer.

Chuck:
Stanley Crouch, or maybe Shelby Steele?

Jeff:
Chuck, you always guess wrong. My guest commentator today is Mr Steenly Crotch.

Chuck:
Welcome, Mr… uh, Crotch.

Crotch:
It’s a pleasure.

Jeff:
Mr Crotch is going to comment on provocation number eight. To wit: “Race and gender relations have come a long way in this country. When Condaleeza Rice was a young girl, who would’ve thought she would one day grow up to be a white man?”

I was pretty sure I’d be getting criticism like, a white man has no business making a moral judgment on a black woman’s life choices, even if she is a fascist jerk, or something. But Mr Crotch has a much more original objection.

Chuck:
And what was your objection, Mr Crotch?

Crotch:
Well, Chuck, the assumption in Mr Dorchen’s statement is that a black woman shouldn’t strive to become a white man. Or that Ms Rice should be ashamed of being a white man. As if one were born black or white. Blackness is a lifestyle choice, and if a person has the inner will and the guidance of Jesus, there’s no reason he or she can’t overcome it. And there’s nothing to be ashamed of in having done so.

Chuck:
Wait, I’m confused. Aren’t you black?

Crotch:
No Chuck, I’m a black conservative. I’m white. White and proud of it. I’m not ashamed of being white, like other formerly black people. Rappers like Snoop Dogg and Ice Cube, Ivy League professors like Cornell West and Henry Louis Gates, media personalities like Oprah and Spike Lee ≠

Chuck:
They’re white?

Crotch:
They’re white, but they try to act black. They’re too weak to let go of the crutch of blackness. Rappers even call themselves and each other niggers, as if they were still niggers even now that they’re wealthy.

Jeff:
Oh, this is great. Chuck, ask him about the n word.

Chuck:
Mr Crotch, what about the n word?

Crotch:
I’ve reclaimed the n word, Chuck. Call me a nigger.

Chuck:
I don’t really feel comfortable ≠

Crotch:
Come on, we live in enlightened times, it’s just a word. Now call me a nigger.

Chuck:
All right. Mr Crotch, you’re a nigger.

Crotch:
Chuck, I’m an educated, well-off writer, music critic, pundit and lecturer in the mainstream media, with my own home, dental and health insurance, tasteful clothes, a leased car. You, on the other hand, are broke, blind, gap-toothed, renting, and ghetto-ized on a lunatic-fringe college radio show. You’re the nigger, Chuck, not me.

Chuck:
I’m the nigger?

Crotch:
Yeah. See how I reclaimed that word? I’m not the nigger, you are.

Jeff:
Isn’t that amazing?

Crotch:
See, Chuck, a nigger is just a poor person. And poverty is a state of mind, that’s the empowering message I and other conservatives have been trying to propagate now that capitalism has conquered the world. It’s not restricted to any race. There are white niggers too.

Chuck:
Yeah, I’ve heard a lot of rednecks say that.

Crotch:
Just because they’re rednecks doesn’t mean they’re wrong. At least they aren’t liberals. It’s the liberals that are keeping the black man down by keeping him black. Affirmative action is just another way to keep the black man black.

Chuck:
How so?

Crotch:
Well, Chuck, look at the Emancipation Proclamation. That was the first case of affirmative action. Special rights for black people. That was the first step on the slippery slope. There was no proclamation freeing white people from slavery, why should black people get special treatment?

Chuck:
But how did freeing them keep them black?

Crotch:
When special rights are offered only to black people, then whoever takes advantage of those rights is black, obviously.

Chuck:
So… if black people had refused to become free, they wouldn’t have been black anymore?

Crotch:
It’s as plain as the nose on your nigger face, Chuck.

Chuck:
But… slavery was bad.

Crotch:
Chuck, you might want to consider taking a liberal enema. It wasn’t slavery that was bad, it was being black. You didn’t hear the Indians or the Mexicans complaining about slavery. And nothing has changed, Chuck. It’s still bad to be black in this country, and I don’t see why Condee Rice or anyone else should be criticized for setting their sights a little higher than being black.

Jeff:
Eyes on the prize?

Crotch:
That is a typically sarcastic remark from an undevolved human being. You know what’s keeping the black man black, in addition to that attitude, and that erstwhile PBS miniseries? It’s affirmative action, fatty foods, cheap alcohol, tasteless jewelry, and Kwanzaa. And of course, the worst culprit. Niggers.

Chuck:
Niggers are keeping the black man black?

Crotch:
Yes. As a matter of fact, that’s today’s conservative philosophy in a nutshell: Niggers are keeping the black man black. Chuck, if I can leave your listeners with one thought today, let it be that one.

Chuck:
How could I refuse? Jeff, do you have a rebuttal?

Jeff:
I think Carly Simon said something similar: Anticipation is makin’ me wait, it’s keeping me way ay ay ay aitin’. And neither assertion makes any sense. Anticipation doesn’t make you wait. It’s like saying, “Being hungry is making me not eat anything.” I could say, it’s the cart before the horse. I could say it’s bass ackwards. I could say it’s blaming the victim. But actually, I think it defies criticism by being totally nuts. And to be honest, Chuck, as a white man I feel I have no business making a moral judgment on a black woman’s life choices, even if she is a fascist jerk. However, as a ninety-year-old hearing-impaired autistic albino lesbian, I say, USA out of my uterus.

Chuck:
Point taken, Jeff. Well, thank you, Steenly Crotch, for joining us.

Crotch:
Drop dead.

Chuck:
And thank you, Jeff.

Jeff:
You’re most welcome.